Saturday, 13 January 2018

Finding a passion

After a Christmas holiday being sick here and there, I was back to work. After the first thousand steps at work, I was walking around like a healthy woman, smiling around, chit chatting, working, being effective, being good at what I do and having coffee with my dear colleagues. Of course we exchanged words and experiences about the holidays and very soon into the conversation, I expressed how nice it was to be back, that I loved my work etc etc... Sounds sad? But actually that's the truth. Only to ruin my thunder, a wise colleague nearing retirement had a noticeable expression of concern on his face. I saw that but left him to it. Thought maybe, he hates his job but I knew he didn't so what was that about?
Next day, he told me how he felt. What would you be when you retire? What would you have left to be good at? What would the thing/ talent that wouldn't be taken away from you just because you will be declared 'retired'? 
That is a reason why not everyone can be a teacher. The way you put things up. I got it right away. He didn't have to ask all these questions- the ones I have quoted above, but he certainly made me ask these questions to myself. 
I am creative I thought, I have had phases of creativity. I went to theatre course for 2 years- or rather was forced to by my mother, who I deeply thank in every conversation I have about how fantastic those 2 years were for me, as an individual. I studied shoe designing, then destiny ( yes destiny) threw me to another side of the world and I started doing something completely different. I did engage a lot in painting, did well. I received a sewing machine as a Christmas present from my mother-in-law, and did well with that too. I am known to be the creative person of the family. I get that a lot. What happened now?
In the rush and race of career, family building and everything that life demands of you, my creativity took another form. Finding solutions, working out logistics, listening to my body, being fair to my energy level and simply, the everyday life. 
I decided against new year resolutions this year. I stood there, feeling bare to what life has to offer, taking one day at a time, meeting challenges in order of appearance and success as and if it reaches me/ us. However, that one wise person did evoke an urge in me- to step out of the different roles in life, every now and then (but still often and regularly) and be my creative self. 
I don't know if it applies to everyone, but I would not like to sit there, first day of my retirement, not knowing what to do, trying to figure out what I was good at, what hobbies I gave up.
Life is after all a theatre in itself forcing us to improvise, we all are creative. But maybe we do need a stimulation that we can call our own- something that we can do single handedly.
This was a start and I hope I wouldn't stop. 
Wishing you a fantastic year ahead!

Friday, 28 July 2017

Cat came home

Yes, literally - no metaphors. 3 years back our beautiful cat Lexie came into our lives through Facebook. A friend's cat got kittens and they decided to put up some pictures for adoptions. A very independent family like ours who love traveling and being spontaneous went against our rules and  had nothing but an awww to say to her photo. She looked into our eyes and told us thats he was meant to be ours. I have never had a cat and as a matter of fact I thought they look scary, with those weird eyes, whose pupils growing big and small depending on the mood- so transparent. I wondered how easy life would be if we all had that function- our pupils becoming a thin line or becoming size of a golf ball based om our moods. 
However, back to the story- Lexie came to us and I fell in love with her. As a christmas present I got a book called 'How to make your cat love you', basically stating that they are the boss- not you. Haha! tell me about it- I know it well with bosses around me in all shapes, age and forms. As tacky as it may sound, but I had a lot of love to give in form of crazy tight hugs and just cozying around- kids growing up and all... our boy is not very fond of mom kissing him all the time. 
So, Lexie is our little baby, the one you get after you have one of the most safe contraceptives to avoid any happenings. Lately, she disappeared for a good 50 something hours. The anxiety I experienced was very uncomfortable. Google, my friend told me to calm down and our wonderful neighbors were very helpful, but I could not let it go! I slept late, went and checked a hundred times, the family went for a search, using the various conditioning tricks to get her attention. She is not stupid just the ruler of her life. I knew that she would come to us when she was ready for it.
Heavy heart is actually a physical state, and I realized that during this span. 
And then while discussing the POA, a bird- quite ugly, came and made a non melodious chirp followed by Lexie- who made a little sound which I interpreted as - I am here now! Covered with seeds from different plants around, she ran to her food bowl and ate and drank like never before. Then she was my little girl for the next hour, receiving  love and kisses, removal of ticks, brushing of hair and a lot of candy! 
She came home- and I also realized how important it is to have a home. To have place we can call home, to come back to some place, to some people, to an environment that makes us feel we belong there. Make homes my friends, not just houses. Warm up your place with love and personalize it with happenings, routines and memories. Decorate it, not just with fancy accessories and expensive pieces to talk about- but also with flaws that speak of you as a person, as a family. That unpainted wall, the chipped wall paper and the tape marks on the wall made with pictures that a child made for you as a token of love. Be home and 'live in' it to a point where you look around and smile and laugh instead of patting your back over the financial achievements that made your place look perfect. 
Meaowww for now.

Thursday, 16 March 2017

Dare to bare your emotions

A happening day today. 
A day that had its ups and down. Could be the hormones, could be that I am a sensitive person, could be that I take things personally and could be that I think way too much. But yes, a tiring and happening day that surprised me a bit actually. 
I am a woman with emotions, one who feels and most of all, lets herself be vulnerable to emotions. I am available, for my feelings, for my emotions and for myself. 
Like I mentioned, I started going to Yoga classes and the wise yogi told me that one must learn to love oneself to be capable enough to love someone else. I love myself and I take pride in it. I take care of myself. I take care of myself, admire my spirits, I spend money on myself, my upkeep and things and people that please me. However my husband tells me that I am bad at ( you see a teacher wouldn't use that b word, but he isn't one) being nice to myself- I let things get to me. 
So, stepping out of the previous paragraph where almost every sentence started with I, me, myself, I now want to move on to how things can get to me and have an immense effect on me. Being sad over things that shouldn't bother me is a quality that I possess, a personality streak that I want to fight so bad, it consumes that last molecule of energy out of my system. 
Today was one such day, I let it happen to me. Then I hit the gym after calling a friend who is my favorite sorrow pillow. I thought, reflected, got angry and even had a red nose exhibiting my emotions. I was done and was picked up my my husband (who like every single day in life stood by me in ups and down- ever since I met him). He stood there, even today, held my hand and assured me without words that his love for me was way above everything else. My daughter in the back seat of the car tried hiding the sushi and my favorite calorie bomb- Semla she bought to make it a special evening for me- she made a genuine effort. 
Less words than usual through the 10 minutes drive, we reached home and I opened the door to hear a 'Hey mamma' from my son. I took my shoes off and somehow suddenly it felt like I took my sadness off. I was now in an environment with love around me- with an acceptance for who I am. The person who is true to herself, who lets herself gets sad, get frustrated, get angry. Maybe that's what allows me to get happy, content and appreciative of all the good, most important people and situations in my life. 
As I am writing this, I am realizing how lucky, happy I feel in this moment. Thanks for those who love me, thanks to those who have problems with me- you make my life richer- helping me realize what to value most. 
Lesson learnt- Dare to feel.

Monday, 13 March 2017

Way too long

It's been way too long that I posted something. I missed it- the flow of thoughts on the blog. Many a times the situation and the lesson of life was so evident to be shared with everyone, but I got caught up. So here I am- reporting a mix of so many things that have happened lately.
Life is certainly a school and I am certainly a student.
So here is a more organized, in a nutshell life lessons:
1. A trip to Dublin with family, the four of us- beautiful place, kind people and a weather that is so diverse hour after hour, it makes you believe that things will get better. How important and acknowledging it was to realize that we didn't need our screens, that we actually had so much to talk about with each other, so much to share, so much to discuss- that we 4 actually, genuinely love each other, that we like each other's company.No, it is not obvious even if 2 of them literally came out of me and the 3rd one ...ehm ehm... I do not take love and respect for granted and I was so relieved that I was surrounded by it- from the 3 people in my life who mean the world to me. Make sure my friends to keep giving yourselves opportunities to get that feeling, create situations in life where you every once in a while can check if YOU need to do something for a betterment.

2. My son, soon 14 - came home 1 hour late from the promised time - 5 pm! Not the end of the world, but I got annoyed at the fact that he called up to 'tell' me than to 'ask'. Talk about being a tight ass! So from the moment he called to tell till he came- it was an hour. That hour made me so confused, I might have lost my physical balance. Am I being too strict, am I overanalyzing, am I forgetting where I come from, (the worry that I might have created during my teenage where we didn't have phones to call and report), what was most annoying in his late coming- should I ground him for a month or just next few hours???!! Like I have mentioned - not born a parent!
So, my boy arrived, came right in and gave me a hug after I opened the door and started walking without saying anything. His heart was beating really fast... I asked him i he was ok. He was ok- but he said he ran as fast as he could from the bus stop as he was worried that I'd be annoyed. He said he was sorry.
I think I need not say no more: It will be Indian take away today- his and mine absolute favorite. My husband and daughter have a different taste in food.
Lesson learned- Sometimes results come later than expected...

3. My work is going great! I love going to work and I feel like it is my second home. I have worked in this place for soon 8 years. We have a Friday Fika- look up the word Fika!
So this time it was my turn to bring in something to sweeten the Friday. I am proud to announce that after all these years, I baked a cheesecake to bring to work! This is my world is the ultimate acknowledgement that I love my work. I actually made an effort at work for something that had nothing to do with work- just to do with how I feel at work.
Thanks to my colleagues who like me, I like you too. Those who don't, I am happy that you exist and want to make me do my job better:)

4. Yoga- Yes, when an Indian (with a mom who explains the breathing technique on phone, sounding weird almost every time) actually starts paying to do the same, something must've happened. Me and my husband discovered Yoga and e were at or second private class yesterday. Fun, amazing and with a sore body today, we are still talking about how fun it was to do it together. Never too late to listen to your body and your soul- and your mom!

So, here you go- a few things. But there is so much more that I'd like to share. I realized that I like doing it, and I promise that I will.
Have a fantastic day!

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

Madam Bollywood and Homework

It's been a relaxed day. Watched some Indian talk show, drooled over the ugly rock that the Bollywood was wearing and I cannot agree more with the whole sour grapes theory... 
Later checked the Facebook! ( 'the' FB)
Read an article for the second time- written by a parent in Sweden who is mad about the whole thing with homework! I get it, there is this continuous, never ending thing about homework being good or bad... studies, resonating sessions, topic for teachers' meeting blah blah blah.

What managed to piss the s*'t out of me for the second time was the fact that a parent is fighting the fact that a parent is given the responsibility of a child's homework. Blame it on the span of socio economic differences in the Swedish society- yeah right! I come from India and hello! socio economic span is the same length as the diameter of the globe. Well ok, like they say- opinions are for free and we live in a democratic society and that everyone thus has a right to make an opinion. 
But that as a parent you think it is solely a teacher's responsibility to make sure that a child is educated as the parent might not have the same competence as the teacher- I just don't get it. 

So before all you who don't have kids loose interest in this post, back to madam Bollywood- She was actually far more intelligent than my judging her for the rock. On second thoughts, it takes an intelligent woman to convince her man to buy that size of the rock. 

This woman- Twinkle Khanna is a writer. She mentioned that  the primary reasons for a marriage is to have children, and therefore she did this elaborate genetic check on her boyfriend's family. 
And now back to Sweden, to the parent who despises homework. 
The reason of my hopping between Sweden's parent drama and madam Bollywood is the question WHY HAVE CHILDREN WHEN YOU CANNOT TAKE UP CHALLENGES? Seriously, homework with a child? Can it be that difficult that Mr Google cannot figure it out for a parent trying to spend time with the child and participate in their daily 'Job'? Personally I am all fine with and without homework- but do I think it is someone else's responsibility! NO.

Who told you that parenting is a walk in the park? Why do countries fight for rights of reconsidering pregnancies? Yes, to help people make a conscious decision if they are capable of taking up the beautiful yet not that easy responsibility of bringing up children. Don't parents do all they can to keep kids healthy? Do you have to be doctor for that? No! and one certainly does not have to be a psychologist to help a child through adolescence, a heart break, a failure. 
Reality is that we choose to have children- we need to man up to take up all that comes with it. We fail, unbelievable number of times, as there is no degree in parenting, no license- nothing. So be it- love your children and rest will work itself out. 
If you cannot find the answer to the homework on Google- ask the teacher, communicate- just like you go the doctor when your first aid did not help. 

Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Dear friends and family...

Dear family and friends... a combination often used to address to a post on social media, speeches made during special happenings and even while making a statement on a somewhat sadder note. It is kind of natural to say that. Made me wonder when I was posting a Christmas greeting with pictures of our family on Facebook- it is basically who we are surrounded with. But then I thought of all those who don't fit into these 2 categories. Hmm... which ones fit into that bracket? Let me see, neighbors who exist but don't, people who were friends once upon a time but not any longer, people I see but don't know personally, colleagues who annoy me but not just enough to be classified as enemies. 

And then who are friends? Now it is starting to sund like a 'quotation book' I maintained as a pre teen, full of emotions. The book had handwritten quotable quotes with deep definitions about friendship and love, trust and betrayal...
But never mind, I will do this little mind mapping for my own sake this time. It is after all Christmas holidays and I have time on me between organizing closets, not only mine- everyones! Don't get me going on my daughter's ability to unorganized things in a matter of an hour!

So, who are friends? After have lived for 40 years and having had a large or even huge group friends who attended all parties /celebrations,  to having to find that one friend who I could open up to- without having to filter my words and insecurities, I have come to realize that people who mean well are actually friends. That's all it takes. Mean well, have good intentions, don't have that sarcastic little ' I told you so' smirk when something went wrong. Staying in touch is not my criteria any longer. We all live quite a complicated life, maintain our schedules, check our calendars and do exactly the same things that we do all week long, at the same time. So finding time for pleasantries is not as easy as it sounds. 

Family on the other side, we are born into families, or married into one. Not much to sort out and choose there-right? Things go wrong within families, relationships go sour, even break. We dislike some, despise the others, adore some, wish we could operate brains on some etc etc... But they are related to us- like it or not. You may make announcement that the relationship is over- but you know it's not and it never will be. So why not just embrace the fact, let time take its toll and sleep over differences, wake up one day and realize that it is OK! It is after all family. 

Friends we choose, families we don't. That is the truth- at least for me. 

So dear family and friends- thanks for being there, and for the times you weren't there- maybe it was for the best. I want to wish you all a good year ahead, happiness and positivities. Talk shit about me, fine, that is purely your karma. I will do my share and I will either love you, or choose to put you on hold till I am ready. 

Thursday, 13 October 2016

For my husand

Did it sound too tacky? I would've possibly reacted the same way. Yeah yeah, you love each other, you are still in love, you have something what! Don't need to go loud about it, shouldn't it be private?
I understand all these thoughts that we all feel when we see those love photos, status on social media( FB is so dinosaur) I am one of those who gets sceptic about people posting their love statements.
But today, I will do it myself- LOUD and CLEAR.
I am in love with my husband. I love him to pieces. I am not going to boast about how many years we have spent together- been in situations where we were on top of our youth, not a single grey hair, six packs for him and an amazing metabolism for me- never gained a gram without having to do anything. We were romantic, every single minute, rushing home from work to be together. We were there announcing our love, engagement, wedding and pregnancies. We were there in hospitals sick, taking care of each other during sickness, we were disagreeing, having discussions- both pleasant and unpleasant, revealing things from past that we never would've thought we'd do, talking, listening, dancing, drinking, throwing up, waking, sleeping, holding hands, wiping tears and drools and snots when we lost our respective dads, we were there at parents' meetings, at family meetings, trying and testing the loyalties. I can go on and on, like many of you.
My love for you Martin is not unusual to the world, but it is unusual to me.
I have no words, but I have many. If I am doing this completely controversial public display of love, it is barely because the love I feel for you is uncontainable. I love you and I feel no embarrassment in saying this out loud.
I realize this regularly. I love you always but realize it now and then. And I really believe that I want to tell this to you, through this social media- because I can, because I will and because I am proud of having a man like you in my life.
I know a lot of you can relate to this, there is love in your lives too. Say it, all it and it will grow. Isn't that law of attraction?
Saying I LOVE YOU Martin is summarizing it. And today is just any day in our lives.