Finding a passion

After a Christmas holiday being sick here and there, I was back to work. After the first thousand steps at work, I was walking around like a healthy woman, smiling around, chit chatting, working, being effective, being good at what I do and having coffee with my dear colleagues. Of course we exchanged words and experiences about the holidays and very soon into the conversation, I expressed how nice it was to be back, that I loved my work etc etc... Sounds sad? But actually that's the truth. Only to ruin my thunder, a wise colleague nearing retirement had a noticeable expression of concern on his face. I saw that but left him to it. Thought maybe, he hates his job but I knew he didn't so what was that about?
Next day, he told me how he felt. What would you be when you retire? What would you have left to be good at? What would the thing/ talent that wouldn't be taken away from you just because you will be declared 'retired'? 
That is a reason why not everyone can be a teacher. The way you put things up. I got it right away. He didn't have to ask all these questions- the ones I have quoted above, but he certainly made me ask these questions to myself. 
I am creative I thought, I have had phases of creativity. I went to theatre course for 2 years- or rather was forced to by my mother, who I deeply thank in every conversation I have about how fantastic those 2 years were for me, as an individual. I studied shoe designing, then destiny ( yes destiny) threw me to another side of the world and I started doing something completely different. I did engage a lot in painting, did well. I received a sewing machine as a Christmas present from my mother-in-law, and did well with that too. I am known to be the creative person of the family. I get that a lot. What happened now?
In the rush and race of career, family building and everything that life demands of you, my creativity took another form. Finding solutions, working out logistics, listening to my body, being fair to my energy level and simply, the everyday life. 
I decided against new year resolutions this year. I stood there, feeling bare to what life has to offer, taking one day at a time, meeting challenges in order of appearance and success as and if it reaches me/ us. However, that one wise person did evoke an urge in me- to step out of the different roles in life, every now and then (but still often and regularly) and be my creative self. 
I don't know if it applies to everyone, but I would not like to sit there, first day of my retirement, not knowing what to do, trying to figure out what I was good at, what hobbies I gave up.
Life is after all a theatre in itself forcing us to improvise, we all are creative. But maybe we do need a stimulation that we can call our own- something that we can do single handedly.
This was a start and I hope I wouldn't stop. 
Wishing you a fantastic year ahead!

Cat came home

Yes, literally - no metaphors. 3 years back our beautiful cat Lexie came into our lives through Facebook. A friend's cat got kittens and they decided to put up some pictures for adoptions. A very independent family like ours who love traveling and being spontaneous went against our rules and  had nothing but an awww to say to her photo. She looked into our eyes and told us thats he was meant to be ours. I have never had a cat and as a matter of fact I thought they look scary, with those weird eyes, whose pupils growing big and small depending on the mood- so transparent. I wondered how easy life would be if we all had that function- our pupils becoming a thin line or becoming size of a golf ball based om our moods. 
However, back to the story- Lexie came to us and I fell in love with her. As a christmas present I got a book called 'How to make your cat love you', basically stating that they are the boss- not you. Haha! tell me about it- I know it well with bosses around me in all shapes, age and forms. As tacky as it may sound, but I had a lot of love to give in form of crazy tight hugs and just cozying around- kids growing up and all... our boy is not very fond of mom kissing him all the time. 
So, Lexie is our little baby, the one you get after you have one of the most safe contraceptives to avoid any happenings. Lately, she disappeared for a good 50 something hours. The anxiety I experienced was very uncomfortable. Google, my friend told me to calm down and our wonderful neighbors were very helpful, but I could not let it go! I slept late, went and checked a hundred times, the family went for a search, using the various conditioning tricks to get her attention. She is not stupid just the ruler of her life. I knew that she would come to us when she was ready for it.
Heavy heart is actually a physical state, and I realized that during this span. 
And then while discussing the POA, a bird- quite ugly, came and made a non melodious chirp followed by Lexie- who made a little sound which I interpreted as - I am here now! Covered with seeds from different plants around, she ran to her food bowl and ate and drank like never before. Then she was my little girl for the next hour, receiving  love and kisses, removal of ticks, brushing of hair and a lot of candy! 
She came home- and I also realized how important it is to have a home. To have place we can call home, to come back to some place, to some people, to an environment that makes us feel we belong there. Make homes my friends, not just houses. Warm up your place with love and personalize it with happenings, routines and memories. Decorate it, not just with fancy accessories and expensive pieces to talk about- but also with flaws that speak of you as a person, as a family. That unpainted wall, the chipped wall paper and the tape marks on the wall made with pictures that a child made for you as a token of love. Be home and 'live in' it to a point where you look around and smile and laugh instead of patting your back over the financial achievements that made your place look perfect. 
Meaowww for now.

Way too long

It's been way too long that I posted something. I missed it- the flow of thoughts on the blog. Many a times the situation and the lesson of life was so evident to be shared with everyone, but I got caught up. So here I am- reporting a mix of so many things that have happened lately.
Life is certainly a school and I am certainly a student.
So here is a more organized, in a nutshell life lessons:
1. A trip to Dublin with family, the four of us- beautiful place, kind people and a weather that is so diverse hour after hour, it makes you believe that things will get better. How important and acknowledging it was to realize that we didn't need our screens, that we actually had so much to talk about with each other, so much to share, so much to discuss- that we 4 actually, genuinely love each other, that we like each other's company.No, it is not obvious even if 2 of them literally came out of me and the 3rd one ...ehm ehm... I do not take love and respect for granted and I was so relieved that I was surrounded by it- from the 3 people in my life who mean the world to me. Make sure my friends to keep giving yourselves opportunities to get that feeling, create situations in life where you every once in a while can check if YOU need to do something for a betterment.

2. My son, soon 14 - came home 1 hour late from the promised time - 5 pm! Not the end of the world, but I got annoyed at the fact that he called up to 'tell' me than to 'ask'. Talk about being a tight ass! So from the moment he called to tell till he came- it was an hour. That hour made me so confused, I might have lost my physical balance. Am I being too strict, am I overanalyzing, am I forgetting where I come from, (the worry that I might have created during my teenage where we didn't have phones to call and report), what was most annoying in his late coming- should I ground him for a month or just next few hours???!! Like I have mentioned - not born a parent!
So, my boy arrived, came right in and gave me a hug after I opened the door and started walking without saying anything. His heart was beating really fast... I asked him i he was ok. He was ok- but he said he ran as fast as he could from the bus stop as he was worried that I'd be annoyed. He said he was sorry.
I think I need not say no more: It will be Indian take away today- his and mine absolute favorite. My husband and daughter have a different taste in food.
Lesson learned- Sometimes results come later than expected...

3. My work is going great! I love going to work and I feel like it is my second home. I have worked in this place for soon 8 years. We have a Friday Fika- look up the word Fika!
So this time it was my turn to bring in something to sweeten the Friday. I am proud to announce that after all these years, I baked a cheesecake to bring to work! This is my world is the ultimate acknowledgement that I love my work. I actually made an effort at work for something that had nothing to do with work- just to do with how I feel at work.
Thanks to my colleagues who like me, I like you too. Those who don't, I am happy that you exist and want to make me do my job better:)

4. Yoga- Yes, when an Indian (with a mom who explains the breathing technique on phone, sounding weird almost every time) actually starts paying to do the same, something must've happened. Me and my husband discovered Yoga and e were at or second private class yesterday. Fun, amazing and with a sore body today, we are still talking about how fun it was to do it together. Never too late to listen to your body and your soul- and your mom!

So, here you go- a few things. But there is so much more that I'd like to share. I realized that I like doing it, and I promise that I will.
Have a fantastic day!

Madam Bollywood and Homework

It's been a relaxed day. Watched some Indian talk show, drooled over the ugly rock that the Bollywood was wearing and I cannot agree more with the whole sour grapes theory... 
Later checked the Facebook! ( 'the' FB)
Read an article for the second time- written by a parent in Sweden who is mad about the whole thing with homework! I get it, there is this continuous, never ending thing about homework being good or bad... studies, resonating sessions, topic for teachers' meeting blah blah blah. 

http://www.aftonbladet.se/debatt/a/p22pw/skolan-ska-ha-ansvar-for-laxorna--inte-du

What managed to piss the s*'t out of me for the second time was the fact that a parent is fighting the fact that a parent is given the responsibility of a child's homework. Blame it on the span of socio economic differences in the Swedish society- yeah right! I come from India and hello! socio economic span is the same length as the diameter of the globe. Well ok, like they say- opinions are for free and we live in a democratic society and that everyone thus has a right to make an opinion. 
But that as a parent you think it is solely a teacher's responsibility to make sure that a child is educated as the parent might not have the same competence as the teacher- I just don't get it. 

So before all you who don't have kids loose interest in this post, back to madam Bollywood- She was actually far more intelligent than my judging her for the rock. On second thoughts, it takes an intelligent woman to convince her man to buy that size of the rock. 

This woman- Twinkle Khanna is a writer. She mentioned that  the primary reasons for a marriage is to have children, and therefore she did this elaborate genetic check on her boyfriend's family. 
And now back to Sweden, to the parent who despises homework. 
The reason of my hopping between Sweden's parent drama and madam Bollywood is the question WHY HAVE CHILDREN WHEN YOU CANNOT TAKE UP CHALLENGES? Seriously, homework with a child? Can it be that difficult that Mr Google cannot figure it out for a parent trying to spend time with the child and participate in their daily 'Job'? Personally I am all fine with and without homework- but do I think it is someone else's responsibility! NO.

Who told you that parenting is a walk in the park? Why do countries fight for rights of reconsidering pregnancies? Yes, to help people make a conscious decision if they are capable of taking up the beautiful yet not that easy responsibility of bringing up children. Don't parents do all they can to keep kids healthy? Do you have to be doctor for that? No! and one certainly does not have to be a psychologist to help a child through adolescence, a heart break, a failure. 
Reality is that we choose to have children- we need to man up to take up all that comes with it. We fail, unbelievable number of times, as there is no degree in parenting, no license- nothing. So be it- love your children and rest will work itself out. 
If you cannot find the answer to the homework on Google- ask the teacher, communicate- just like you go the doctor when your first aid did not help. 

For my husand

Did it sound too tacky? I would've possibly reacted the same way. Yeah yeah, you love each other, you are still in love, you have something special...so what! Don't need to go loud about it, shouldn't it be private?
I understand all these thoughts that we all feel when we see those love photos, status on social media( FB is so dinosaur) I am one of those who gets sceptic about people posting their love statements.
But today, I will do it myself- LOUD and CLEAR.
I am in love with my husband. I love him to pieces. I am not going to boast about how many years we have spent together- been in situations where we were on top of our youth, not a single grey hair, six packs for him and an amazing metabolism for me- never gained a gram without having to do anything. We were romantic, every single minute, rushing home from work to be together. We were there announcing our love, engagement, wedding and pregnancies. We were there in hospitals sick, taking care of each other during sickness, we were disagreeing, having discussions- both pleasant and unpleasant, revealing things from past that we never would've thought we'd do, talking, listening, dancing, drinking, throwing up, waking, sleeping, holding hands, wiping tears and drools and snots when we lost our respective dads, we were there at parents' meetings, at family meetings, trying and testing the loyalties. I can go on and on, like many of you.
My love for you Martin is not unusual to the world, but it is unusual to me.
I have no words, but I have many. If I am doing this completely controversial public display of love, it is barely because the love I feel for you is uncontainable. I love you and I feel no embarrassment in saying this out loud.
I realize this regularly. I love you always but realize it now and then. And I really believe that I want to tell this to you, through this social media- because I can, because I will and because I am proud of having a man like you in my life.
I know a lot of you can relate to this, there is love in your lives too. Say it, all it and it will grow. Isn't that law of attraction?

Saying I LOVE YOU Martin is summarizing it. And today is just any day in our lives.

The Parenting School

So, is there a school for parents? Do I wish there was?
I remember with my son, who is now 13 years, I bought a couple of books, believe it or not- even Dr. Spoke's. I never read them though, maybe scanned through a chapter or two. My parenting career is now 13 years long. How am I doing it? I really don't know. But one thing for sure, we get a lot of remarks about how well brought up our children are. and we go like, ' really, Thanks, we don't know how that happened?' Some people are just generally bad at taking credit for things. 
I will sound a bit philosophical now and of course this is purely my opinion. 
How often don't we refer to our childhood, or parents- good or bad. How often don't we get the feeling that we are turning into our own parents,. Parents, who we disagreed with while they were parenting us. They implanted the values so deep that we did not realize that they were growing upon us. There were times I felt that I wished they had done things in another way. and I take that thought with me and try not to do the same with my kids. Our childhood shapes us so intensely.

It is no theory really. All I am saying is that there is no parenting school. Parenting is an experience. The more you do it, the better you get. Actually, you cannot guarantee even that. 
I tell my children that I wasn't born a parent. I wanted to be a parent and I am so happy that life gave me an opportunity to do so. I feel so rich, it is so exciting, so soul calming. I even don't have a problem when it isn't that rewarding. They are my children after all. I am always there for them-always. 
I take no shame telling my children that I too need to be taught how to be a parent. And that they can actually teach me at times. I tell them that we are not friends, we have a relationship based on love and respect but if  come out every now and then as an annoying, non understanding kind of person at times, that is ok for me too. I tell my son, who is the older kid that he will possibly experience my mistakes as a parent more- the first time thing. He is after all the guinea pig.
Parenting is a job, a hobby, a creative streak that we just do all the time. Don't confuse it with JUST bringing up your children. Parenting for me is a part of life- I love every moment of it. The frustration of some failures just want me to get better the very next moment. 
I am sorry kids if I am not a perfect parent all the time. But I am me and I don't think that any book could have taught me better- because you are unique. I love you both to pieces and that is what parenting means to me. 

Me and my laundry room

The buckets were filling up, the clothes and everything in them, like the odd shoe, the Egyptian belly dance belt, reflex from jackets and what not, were starting to become like stuff from a memory box that moms collect for their children to grow up and savour. I am talking about the laundry room in the house. I looked at these different storage baskets, buckets, boxes, all bought at different points of time   with a purpose of organizing. In my head, I scheduled a serious meeting with the laundry room and it just never happened. Me and he had kind of given up on each other. We knew we had each other, we knew that we will settle it one day. We knew we were not leaving each other for the mess. We knew that what he ( laundry room- just to be clear, in case you starting doubting my relationship with my husband) had stored it all as I wanted him to, and he was now waiting for me to take that initiative. 

So, I woke up after a strange night where my ghosts had caught up with me at oddest hours of the night. I woke up telling myself that from now on, I am not going to let people get to me. I know that if you have read my previous blogs, I might just be contradicting myself. It's easy said than done. 
I had a sickly frustrating week at work. I felt lost, I had one melt down that ended up in tears and I felt that the world was against me. Then I spoke this friend- for a good hour and a half. Our gurus are around us and she told me something that I registered. This morning I processed it. I decided what is it that could and would make me sad and upset. My work is definitely not that powerful. I will apply it from now on. 

So, went to my laundry room, with 2 black garbage bags. Thew a lot of shit, a lot of love, a lot of memories that I can always recreate, memories that didn't mean so much any longer. I hate to say it that I even disposed stuff I had fondly saved to pass on to friends with young children. I am an environmental criminal but I needed to take care of my relationship. I needed to take care of myself- I needed to sort it out. 
I am positive, the laundry room looks clean, the scented candle has been lit, the wine box has been empties, the other boxes can now be duly shut with lids sitting tight on them. It looks organized and it makes me happy. 

The mess will be created again I know. Memories will be collected, disappointments will take place. But right now- I am satisfied and I am promising myself to take care of myself, him and us. 

Have a fantastic day and chose your enemies. Who has the power to be your enemy? Really.

Love

Three little words- Say it now

As a teacher you sometimes surprise yourself. We are just any human beings, like other professionals we also get an education, a degree and then we are thrown into the world of children, students and are expected to teach them and in many cases even bring them up. I work with young kids and there is a lot of bringing up involved in my kind of work. Conflicts is an everyday situation. I remember telling this cheeky little fella something tat surprised me once- I realized how smart I was, how the Guru in me was not only my profession, but I had IT! I pictured myself sitting in front of an ocean of answer-seeking adults and guiding them through their troubles towards a life changing solution. So back to the cheeky fella who with his beautiful eyes and thick eyelashes convinces you by throwing in a sorry. I told him this- Once the words come out of your mouth, you cannot put them back in, you cannot regret enough the damage your words do. Your words can and will be quoted- in your favor or against you. So don't put yourself in that position where you have to say sorry for what you say. If you say something harshly true, because you genuinely meant it, stand for it. You are entitled to change your opinion but don't verbalize your opinions in a way that you would regret later. 

So this post is about words. Our words, that we formulate, that we compose, words that can make or break, words that can do magic, words that can make someone fall in love with you, words that will touch someone so deep that they will quote on their death bed. I sound so sadistic but I have been part of it. 
My father was a man of very few words- like very few. He was very good at expressing his dismay, love and respect, but words were not his thing. Just thinking of him makes me want to cry, I love him so much. He passed away ill. When they called me from the hospital once, he was feeling better and as awkward as those calls can get, it was nice to hear from him, he was speaking. 
Next day, he called me up and my heart skipped a beat. What made him call? He started with an awkward opening line and then abruptly threw in ' I love you beta'- beta meaning son/daughter. Now, this is India in 2008. I love you was not the most common way of father expressing love, actually quite unconventional. 
Till today, that is what I remember when I think of him. 
My daughter had a headache after an intense second day at school- runs in the family I guess. I gave her a head massage, made her a cup of tea, talked her out of it and she felt better. She came to me abruptly later on and told me' Mamma, thanks for what you did for me, it really did help, You are so kind to me'. Made my day, suddenly made me feel good about myself. 
Spoke to a colleague whom I call brother from another mother. Yes, as bitchy as I sound about work sometimes, I have some goodies around me too... we said nice things to each other. Felt so good again. 
Yes, the bad things I have heard and been told make their mark too, but I can really live on memories that some kind words and sweet expressions.
I love you is one such thing. Say it today, I am sure you all love someone, I am positive you all feel it for someone. Why wait? Say it daily! Say something nice to someone on an everyday basis.
Who knows which of your nice words would become someone's nutrition for the soul.
I am thankful for the nice words I have been told, for the love I have received- today.
Good night! and SAY IT

Brothers' day, relationships by choice

So, today was the first day back to reality. New students, new parents, new work team, full action and at around 15.45 I had the same feeling as one usually has after being on a roller coaster ride. Full of adrenaline, pumped with energy in one instance and totally drained out a moment after. I felt like screaming out loud in frustration, felt like telling people exactly what was on my mind, but the civil sense in me stopped me. I guess that is what professionalism means. However the professional me knew when to stop and leave to get home. After short talks with my lovely children and Martin and the tele sales guy who almost sold me washing powder for 500 washes- a whole 12 kg, I realized how I had told these people after a good talk of one minute, very abruptly, that I needed to go. The mobile free zone sign in my face and all the sudden reminders of things to do just made me that kind of nonchalant person.
The walk to the subway was not very pleasant either. For some reasons the shoes were hurting, not even new shoes, but it was just that kind of a day. It was raining and my umbrella that I remembered to bring with me to work was forgotten on the second floor and I had no energy to go get it- blamed myself for that one!
On the way in the train, I checked the whatsapp group chat. The group is called Siddharth's wedding bonanza- where we cousins chat about the wedding in November. It is all about jokes made about pressure of getting in shape, serious fashion advice, song choice for performing dances etc. It is Rakhi today. Rakhi is basically brothers' day. Yes, the gender police will arrest me and put me in for life time, but it is Brothers' day. Sisters tie a band on their brothers' wrist and wish for their prosperity and brothers make a promise to stand by their side.

I am no feminist, I do not accept girls and women treated inferior in any slight way, but I am not a feminist. I am fine being a woman and called the fairer sex, the 'Ladies first' kind of men are charming, I am bringing up my son to hold my bag, carry the food shopping, I am fine passing certain chores that I have no flair for- the gardening, the tyre changing etc. I love the festival- I would love my son to stand up for my daughter and for my daughter to reciprocate.
So I wished all my brothers on Rakhi on this group, headed home and performed the ceremony with kids. We headed further to my cousin's home and carried on the tradition with her absolutely gorgeous 7 month baby girl who had this little ceremony with my son.
I have heard and said that we can choose friends but not families. True, but don't we all have at least one experience in life where we did make the choice with the family too? Where we decided that we will break up a blood relationship or at least got to a point where we gradually minimized the bond?
So in this era, it is coming down to the choice. It is all about relationships and all relationships can be controlled and steered to a make or break point. The realization that I am a part of this group is by choice made me feel proud.
Today's happenings made me feel that I am strong. My professional day's disappointments were not important enough to break me. My whatsapp group of cousins however had the strength to turn my 'kind of' tough day into a really lovely one. One where I had the most ridiculous smile for hours, watching this angel of a baby eat her mashed meat sauce, make funny faces, cry, and finally sleep. Thank you Celina, my Sallo! Thank you Naima and Leopold and I hope that you will be the best siblings one ever can be.
I am now hitting the bed with no remorse, just a satisfied smile.
Happy Rakhi everyone:) Tomorrow is another day.

Work anxiety- my puppets, my dance

Sitting in a haze. After a good long 7 week summer holiday, work is finally starting. It went so fast, we all think that and then we start arranging our bags for the next day. Try finding the work keys, the laptop, old fashioned calendar, slippers to work in, the train ticket... and frankly I am in such a haze that I cannot figure out anything!!!!
Aghhhhh do I have to? Really, can I not be on a holiday forever? Can the bills not be paid automatically, I mean using someone else's money? And then I suddenly remember the ....eh! who am I fooling now? I love my job, I do- really. And I always end up loving going to work after a couple of days. I think one is lucky if one can feel this way. So I am going to lift the Royal butt and pluck those eyebrows, thread the slightly growing mustache, hit the gym and try to get my act together. 
Work is important, something that is yours, that keeps you stimulated and keeps you going. 
Even though every time I scratch the lottery ticket, I tell myself the future plans in a matter of 30 seconds- it usually starts with how quick I would quit my work, then gets down to working part time and finally to I would save and work for financing a lot of holidays. 
Strange enough I never settle down at not working at all. 

I remember how as a stay home mom for a year and a couple of months with both kids, I started climbing walls. I waited for Martin to get home, ready with an evening snack and with a list of self pity stuff, sometimes a list of gossips, sometimes disappointments. How my life became quite confided and I missed talking about work, studies and as pretentious as it sounds, intellectual stuff. I know a  lot of moms don't feel that way, kudos to you, but that was me- I love my kids but I love myself too. I would always priorities them over me but I needed my stimulation so bad!

So as I am writing this, suddenly the list of things to do at work is striking me. Am I overwhelmed? No, I feel I need to get there and do what I am good at, and things I need to get better at. 
It is about that balance. It's your family, friends, your work and your interests. It  is got to get unbalanced at times,and that is the charm of everyday life! As long as we know that it is we holding the puppets and that we have the authority of making them dance the way we want. 
So dear friends, one trick is to take your smart phone and create an album for yourself. Some favorite pictures from the holidays, some things you love, your kids, your pet, your love, your newly renovated bedroom, something you succeeded big time in cooking etc... While the anxiety hits you on your way to work, go through the album and try feeling happy for all you did, all you can do and all that is already planned and your loved ones you will go home to at the end of the day. Just get there and do it!

Next step for me is to dig in the work wardrobe and find something appropriate to wear that fits the holiday body.  I have practically lived in lounge wear this summer. 
Promise to myself- it's not over yet, the weekend is round the corner. 

Have a good day, whether at work or holidaying... take charge of your puppets and enjoy the day. 
Good luck and much love:)

Keeping it personal fb- Black Book follows.

And here I am- kind of disappointed and with heavy heart. 

Let me start- my daughter's birthday party was just great! Usually when we sum up a party that we have thrown after the last guests have left and we could burp or fart out loud, we evaluate the party by saying how great the food was, how there were hardly or no left overs, how intoxicated people got or basically, how some uptight people could let go and enjoy themselves. But yesterday, after the tea party with very few, very important guests ( no VIPs, just people who meant a  lot to our daughter, her strict guest list being followed) we evaluated the party on one and only criteria of how happy she was. How genuinely happy! I could not let go of the other criteria like- my first shot at cake pops was extraordinary, the cake turned out to be as expected and so on...

Before it starts sounding like a ego booster to myself, I just want to tell you all, the day after story. 
I did not put up on Facebook that it was my child's birthday. I did not go out with the  'I am so proud', 'you have turned into a beautiful girl' quotes. I am so sorry if you take it personally, I have done that myself too. I have checked basically like an idiot how many likes my post got, how many of my 498 Fb friends wished her etc. And it was an ego trip of some kinds at that time. I still do it, I love Fb, don't get me wrong. I got in touch with my 32 cousins' many children, their partners, I know more about my extended family now than I ever it. 
I am not a clean soul myself. The holy book about Fb ethics is quite convenient to modern life style. 
( Is modern too much of an old fashioned word maybe?) You like, you have shown your appreciation in a fraction of a second. You haven't, means you are jealous. You blocked someone or 'unfollowed' someone, you go around feeling proud about your strong character, you send an emoji with kisses, you save yourself the trouble of writing and formulating a whole 5 word sentence! You tag someone who is not on a picture, you prove how much you missed him OR did you? Oh my god! No, no OMGs in my case- I like it old fashioned. This Fb love is too getting complicated and I am wondering if I need to go through some detox. 

But this time, this year, I had decided not to remind anyone of my 2 big days in a year- namely the birthdays of my children. I am like a dangerous tiger mom when it comes to my kids- NO SHIT SHERLOCK!
So what happens, I get disappointed for the 2nd time in one year by quite a few. I really do not expect much from people. I actually don't. I do get disappointed though. But like I said in an earlier blog, about the black book, remember?  The goal is to erase things. And I will do that, but I have all rights to be a bit sad, a bit disappointed- right!

So, here I am disappointed when I started writing, and now its over. The sadness, the feeling of being forgotten is gone past. I am not aiming for revenge, I am not making an account in the Black Book. 
I am right here, right now relishing the look on Naima's face ( my daughter I mean) who is still on cloud nine about her birthday presents. Wearing the new jeans that she got from her god mother, a top by her aunt, carrying her phone everywhere given by her dad, a mobile case by her bestie and a cordless mobile charger in the shape of a poopy figure by her brother- don't even ask.  She is all excited, happy and thankful for her party. 
This is what I will bring with me for the rest of the day. 

Why does this have something with just you to do? Yes, it has. I have been a woman who could give people silent treatment for days! I impressed my own self with how much I could sulk over things that were so petty that I felt like a little person- out got to be little to think little! I could get so deep into the bottom of things that I could forget what the actual issue was. 
And now, I have decided to do it in another way. If I can, believe me, anyone can. You can! Another thing I will keep in mind of this experience, I will get better at making an extra effort, a personal eye to eye, voice to voice effort to keep my relationships personal. I will make more calls and talk to my people. I actually do that already, ask my burning hot mobile phone. I hope you will have time to respond to my call or calls from your loved ones too. and here's one, why not just call someone up right now and ask how they are? 

Mood- from a heart wrenching, tear forming disappointment to 'Come on kids, lets go for a picnic' spirit.
Lesson- It's in YOUR mind- would you keep it there?

The Black Book- mix it and fix it

Easy said than done. 
I may sit and give those lessons of life, the newly learned ones, but it is easy said than done. 

Sitting in the summer cottage gives me a lot of time to think and rethink and then rethink the rethinking. My brain is like this food blender. I love making soups, think they are healthy and if you blend everything in a blender, you don't get to see the lumps of onions, the stubs of cauliflower and the colors of the veggies that you otherwise despise. the result is a healthy, smooth and tasty and not to forget, the nutritious soup. 
What if I don't blend it though, yes it might be hard to eat it, to enjoy the taste of all those healthy ingredients that are now too obviously there. 

M tells me I have this little Black Book. The book that keeps an account on what gifts my children received on their first Christmas, and not only that, what gifts they gave away to those people, an account of the taunting and subtle remarks made by this friend about the new job, was she actually happy or was she jealous? The account of who offered to drop us back home that evening, who didn't compliment the new interiors, the little misunderstandings that happened and who took the first step into making up. The book goes far back into history, I just have that kind of memory. There have been times where things mattered a lot and I lost sleep. There have been times where even though I said it was all ok and let's move on, I forgot to erase it off the book. 

So this one time, I had referred to the Black Book just before visiting this person. Oh man, this person did not have a good record in the Black Book. Boy was he in trouble! The journey to the place was an hour and a half long. Throughout the journey, I kept slowly munching M's brain, piece by piece, molecule by molecule. I would think, pause, comment, feel sorry for myself, feel grand about myself for still visiting him and ended each such sequence with a -"Well, I'd like to move on and forget things". 
M should get a Bravery award since there is no such award for immense patience. I am quite a pain- I know it. 
Journey was horrible! The air inside me just kept getting more and more polluted. ( not the farty way)
I could feel how tears were building up. I knew how wrong I was and how F##ked up it all sounded, but I COULD JUST NOT STOP THINKING! Like a beehive in me. 
We arrived. The person came out to receive us with the most genuine smile. I would have loved to overanalyze it but it was so genuine, I just could not. I gave in my best behavior and things were smooth. Just like the soup. 
I don't know if women do think more than men. But today I am making a lentils soup. It looks quite disgusting right now in its crude form but I am waiting for it to cool down so I can blend it. I am more that confident that it is going to taste really well. I would like to make life smoother, blend it all and make it smooth. 
I will certainly try to bring this with me and carry it to my busy life in Stockholm. I will try to erase some chapters from My Black Book. I am not going to stop having it since I am a human being, a woman who likes to keep accounts, but I will definitely do myself a favor and lighten it a bit. 

M if you are reading this, big thanks for holding up. You are my absolute best friend, my lover, my guide and I just want to thank you for being my life partner. And if you are not reading this, you will make an entry in my Black Book!
Mood- Happy, philosophical
Lesson to myself- Mix it and fix it!

Love-
N

The emotional hero

At Åland- family's summer place. 

My husband M has spent 43 summers here and ever since I came into the family, I think I have spent at least 10. 
So here I am for a long weekend again. The journey to the island takes around 5 hours, 2 hours of driving through the calm and narrow lanes, beautiful, picturesque and peaceful. Followed by 2 hours in the ferry from Swedish border to Finland's. The ferry is typical, slightly to extremely intoxicated men and women, perfumed women who tested well, quite some perfume at the tax free and yes, they usually have the tax free necklaces around their neck, bling, bling and a general holiday air.
It is a charming experience. After the little drive we take our boat to this family owned island called Skråbjörkö- (google it). The boat ride is serene, completely silent- just sounds of water, birds and the boat. 
My father in law passed away a couple of years back. Sten. At the shore just below the house, we have placed a stone with his name, as a memorial. 
It is impossible not to miss him when one is here. I always tell people that as long as we accept that no one can take place of your own father, mother, daughter or son, all relationships can work. Sten was as close as anyone could get to being my father, actually the one and only person. I have great respect for many other father figures in my life but no one can beat Sten!
(Not just saying it to impress my MIL- she is not into blogs and all)

I loved him. He was clearly an emotional man. I often think of his happy face in the midst of the tears of joy, his sad look during the movies, during tv programmes. I remember the time my father passed away and Sten would drive us to the airport. Guess who had tears in eyes- like genuine ones, not the "I must squeeze out some right now!" ones. Yes, Sten. 
This evening I also saw the love in the eyes of M and his cousin from New Zealand, the one he hadn't met in 4 years. They did not need to pour out- 'I love you's and 'Missed you' kind of phrases, it was evidently visible in their eyes. They stared for the appropriate 20 seconds at each other, smiled a bit, nodded the head to each other like a slight 17 degrees, kind of saying- hey brother! I love you, I missed you. If the observer in me had not stared at them right in their faces, that hard, maybe they could or would have expressed their love a bit more. 

Where am I getting at with this? Yes, emotions, and exhibiting them. It is and art. We usually blame the society for bringing up girls to be able to cry and be sad and boys not to. But I have really started wondering if it is all a matter of balance. If there are a man and a woman, they take turns to be strong. They choose to let go or not. It's like- you can be sad this time, I will take care of you, but next time or next 5 years, it's my turn. Or parents and children taking turns- you know how parents become the children at times?
Sten was a tough pilot all his professional life, had been a member of the caterpillar club, seen a lot of ups and downs, and it was now, after many years he could let go- just my theory. 
My father, exactly the same. My mom got stronger every passing day after my father got sick and she had to take over. 
My question to my own self and you- Is showing emotions a weakness or strength? 
I think that the ability to cry while watching Matrix is strength. To be able to say 'I love you', 'I am sorry', 'I am hurt', 'I am scared', 'I don't know'- strength all the way!
There has to be a physical explanation to why our mouth breaks into a smile, why eyes form tears, why lips loop downwards, why eyebrows rise, why the nose gets red. Our body must be designed in a way so it can cope with the variety of emotions the are meant to be experienced. 
Imagine just embracing, accepting these emotions and not having to judge every situation. To judge whether or not it would be appropriate to show the emotion one is experiencing in the moment. I have a strong feeling that it would make life easier. It will help us get to know ourselves better. We fight the world everyday, meet challenges, the certain, the uncertain- how about not having to fight ones own self?

Give it a shot- I will.