Holidays over- Monday to Friday

Sounds familiar right?
I have a feeling that a lot of us are starting to feel an anxiety of the holidays getting over. It is Friday and the weekend is coming to an end. For me- so are the 5 weeks of vacation.
I have been traveling with the family, meeting friends on weekdays, having a drink in the middle of the week, going to bed at 2 and waking up at 12. I have literally eaten, prayed and loved. I had a lot of time over to go through the attic, cleaning up, organising, home-improving, making petty cash on second hand websites, trying baking macarons- thrice! The list of things I engaged myself in is in direct relation to the list of things that I have been wanting to do during the months of working hard, not getting time to do. In Swedish there are 2 words that I hear often, 'orka' and 'hinna'. Where orka means - don't have the energy to do something, hinna means don't have the time to do something.
And do I hear myself say these words and hear others say these words often! I love the words in a strange kind of way as they symbolise and summarise the normalcy of allowing oneself to be lazy and the 'normalcy' of the high pace of life.
But this holiday gave me some time to think, to rejuvenate and put some pieces together. Holidays is  a perfect lesson to teach us about a life more than work and must-do's. It is a break to realise how lovely life can get even on an everyday.
It doesn't have to be a traveling to a distant land to feel unattached. It doesn't necessarily have to be a lot of efforts to find moments of joy in being around ones you love.
I know I sound stereotype but I certainly will remember this break as a beginning of a new thinking. I am so grateful that I have a clear definition of happiness. I know we all do, it might take some time to figure it out. But we all definitely have one definition and we all find pleasure in seeing this definition evolve, mature and become selfless.
I wouldn't let this feeling end. I would like to reduce the use of the words 'orka' and 'hinna'. The good news is I love my work too. But I know it is time to put things into perspective. I know Mondays would still feel heavy and Fridays would feel like a walk on clouds. But I will try listening to Friday list on Mondays.
I wish you all a great life and year. Hope you had a fantastic holiday and hope you preserve the positivity and just blend it with everyday-very smoothly, without realising that the holiday is actually over.Now off to preparations for a summer party being held today to wave holidays goodbye- but I have plans to dance it out.

So long...

The social media mannerism

Good morning

It is scary to see how many hours a day/week I spend on social media. Thanks to those functions that keep you aware, kind of inclining how much of a social media slave/ addict you are. Makes me wonder sometimes... And I always thought I wasn't. I felt a pride thinking and saying that I don't put up so much of my life out there, I just want to be aware of what's going on around me. 

So this morning when I waved my son and husband off while they were going for a sport selection, I experienced a wave of happiness, like a genuine one where you smile even when the people you are smiling at have left and cannot see it. 

I did not reach out to my phone to document it, but I did want to write about it. Yes, it's the same and that's where I am getting at. 
I have always heard growing up that sharing happiness doubles it and sharing sadness halves it. So, who am I to judge the people who do it more often than others!
And then the mannerism- hand on your heart, have you felt these ever- Did he like my post?, Is she unfollowing me?, What!!! did you block me, Ah! alright, so she friended my neighbor now too!, What do they have in common?, All those heart emojis - so exaggerated!, She has stopped commenting on my posts....
Well, are there really manners to be considered when it comes to social media? Shouldn't it just be a media to stay in touch, share ones personality? We are all born with different personalities. Some of us are more expressive than others, some of us are more personal, and don't want our lives to be exposed, some of us are more curious than others. 
However we have now reached a social media stage where a lot can be said, expressed, done and conveyed by one single click. We are all officially social media analysts. We all have our own interpretations, our own scales of reading between the lines, we are all a part of it. Even by not being a part of it we are subconsciously making a statement- 'I don't care', I am way beyond all this!
I remember when SMS was new and trendy- I thought 'super! Now I don't have to 'say' things anymore. I can write it and get the message through. I was a chicken and I even remember turning my phone off after sending something I knew could be hurtful! (Stop thinking how mean I was). 
And today everyone, just about everyone has that possibility. To say things without having to say. It is  democratic at a whole new level. At the same time there is a certain danger of mannerism running down the drain. 

I can go on and on about it. But think about your set of mannerism, don't forget the person you are- gather inspiration to be someone you want to be but remember that YOUR personality and YOUR mannerism is most valuable. It is something you truly own. That is something to be really preserved.

Have a wonderful day!Here are our kids engaged in Sunday baking.

Those teenagers!

I have been a bit sick last couple of days and my head is in a haze of bacterias and God knows what. 
It requires a lot for me to take that decision but today, I stayed at home and I am happy that I made the right decision. 
So, with the fifth cup of tea I went to my 13 year old daughter's room and lied down on her bed. I just took the time to lazily watch her get ready to school. It is actually quite nice to be that sick and feel a bit helpless and just be in the moment. She dressed up and then sat on her chair in front of the mirror. She played the music and started putting on her innocent and modest make-up. And before anyone of your judgmental souls have opinions about her make up- hold your opinions to yourself. 
She looked beautiful but most of all happy. She sang the song while she was putting on her aloe-vera home made mascara. She enjoyed the little make up knowledge she had gathered from the tutorials she had seen. 
Just then it stuck me how times have changed. As a 13 year old my mother would've haunted me down to have been wearing make-up. 'What is the need', 'who do you want to impress'- she might have wondered. 
As I have been sick and at home, basically doing nothing, I go time to think. We become the parents that we want to become. All theories about a repressed childhood with strict parents and a wonderful childhood with 'friend-like' parents is just Bull S**T.
The best parenting is one that comes naturally. That lets you make mistakes, that leaves room for a communication and the one we enjoy. The best parenting is where we let children be individuals, and not just our children. I wish for my kids that they can establish an identity that is theirs- made by their choices. 
The one thing that I can hope for and contribute with is setting examples. Don't take me wrong, I don't mean that once we become parents, we need to be perfect. I just hope that the times I failed, the times I broke down or the times I disappointed someone, my children saw that I strived to succeed, that I got up and moved on and that I wasn't afraid to apologize afterwards. Mistakes are a mirror for identifying the areas of improvement. 
I said goodbye to my beautiful girl and her big brother and watched them go towards the bus stop, talking to each other and laughing on their jokes. I made myself the sixth cup of tea and I feel thankful today. A day at home, feeling sick gave me the sense of joy that I am surrounded with. 
Have a great day!

Finding a passion

After a Christmas holiday being sick here and there, I was back to work. After the first thousand steps at work, I was walking around like a healthy woman, smiling around, chit chatting, working, being effective, being good at what I do and having coffee with my dear colleagues. Of course we exchanged words and experiences about the holidays and very soon into the conversation, I expressed how nice it was to be back, that I loved my work etc etc... Sounds sad? But actually that's the truth. Only to ruin my thunder, a wise colleague nearing retirement had a noticeable expression of concern on his face. I saw that but left him to it. Thought maybe, he hates his job but I knew he didn't so what was that about?
Next day, he told me how he felt. What would you be when you retire? What would you have left to be good at? What would the thing/ talent that wouldn't be taken away from you just because you will be declared 'retired'? 
That is a reason why not everyone can be a teacher. The way you put things up. I got it right away. He didn't have to ask all these questions- the ones I have quoted above, but he certainly made me ask these questions to myself. 
I am creative I thought, I have had phases of creativity. I went to theatre course for 2 years- or rather was forced to by my mother, who I deeply thank in every conversation I have about how fantastic those 2 years were for me, as an individual. I studied shoe designing, then destiny ( yes destiny) threw me to another side of the world and I started doing something completely different. I did engage a lot in painting, did well. I received a sewing machine as a Christmas present from my mother-in-law, and did well with that too. I am known to be the creative person of the family. I get that a lot. What happened now?
In the rush and race of career, family building and everything that life demands of you, my creativity took another form. Finding solutions, working out logistics, listening to my body, being fair to my energy level and simply, the everyday life. 
I decided against new year resolutions this year. I stood there, feeling bare to what life has to offer, taking one day at a time, meeting challenges in order of appearance and success as and if it reaches me/ us. However, that one wise person did evoke an urge in me- to step out of the different roles in life, every now and then (but still often and regularly) and be my creative self. 
I don't know if it applies to everyone, but I would not like to sit there, first day of my retirement, not knowing what to do, trying to figure out what I was good at, what hobbies I gave up.
Life is after all a theatre in itself forcing us to improvise, we all are creative. But maybe we do need a stimulation that we can call our own- something that we can do single handedly.
This was a start and I hope I wouldn't stop. 
Wishing you a fantastic year ahead!

Cat came home

Yes, literally - no metaphors. 3 years back our beautiful cat Lexie came into our lives through Facebook. A friend's cat got kittens and they decided to put up some pictures for adoptions. A very independent family like ours who love traveling and being spontaneous went against our rules and  had nothing but an awww to say to her photo. She looked into our eyes and told us thats he was meant to be ours. I have never had a cat and as a matter of fact I thought they look scary, with those weird eyes, whose pupils growing big and small depending on the mood- so transparent. I wondered how easy life would be if we all had that function- our pupils becoming a thin line or becoming size of a golf ball based om our moods. 
However, back to the story- Lexie came to us and I fell in love with her. As a christmas present I got a book called 'How to make your cat love you', basically stating that they are the boss- not you. Haha! tell me about it- I know it well with bosses around me in all shapes, age and forms. As tacky as it may sound, but I had a lot of love to give in form of crazy tight hugs and just cozying around- kids growing up and all... our boy is not very fond of mom kissing him all the time. 
So, Lexie is our little baby, the one you get after you have one of the most safe contraceptives to avoid any happenings. Lately, she disappeared for a good 50 something hours. The anxiety I experienced was very uncomfortable. Google, my friend told me to calm down and our wonderful neighbors were very helpful, but I could not let it go! I slept late, went and checked a hundred times, the family went for a search, using the various conditioning tricks to get her attention. She is not stupid just the ruler of her life. I knew that she would come to us when she was ready for it.
Heavy heart is actually a physical state, and I realized that during this span. 
And then while discussing the POA, a bird- quite ugly, came and made a non melodious chirp followed by Lexie- who made a little sound which I interpreted as - I am here now! Covered with seeds from different plants around, she ran to her food bowl and ate and drank like never before. Then she was my little girl for the next hour, receiving  love and kisses, removal of ticks, brushing of hair and a lot of candy! 
She came home- and I also realized how important it is to have a home. To have place we can call home, to come back to some place, to some people, to an environment that makes us feel we belong there. Make homes my friends, not just houses. Warm up your place with love and personalize it with happenings, routines and memories. Decorate it, not just with fancy accessories and expensive pieces to talk about- but also with flaws that speak of you as a person, as a family. That unpainted wall, the chipped wall paper and the tape marks on the wall made with pictures that a child made for you as a token of love. Be home and 'live in' it to a point where you look around and smile and laugh instead of patting your back over the financial achievements that made your place look perfect. 
Meaowww for now.

Dare to bare your emotions

A happening day today. 
A day that had its ups and down. Could be the hormones, could be that I am a sensitive person, could be that I take things personally and could be that I think way too much. But yes, a tiring and happening day that surprised me a bit actually. 
I am a woman with emotions, one who feels and most of all, lets herself be vulnerable to emotions. I am available, for my feelings, for my emotions and for myself. 
Like I mentioned, I started going to Yoga classes and the wise yogi told me that one must learn to love oneself to be capable enough to love someone else. I love myself and I take pride in it. I take care of myself. I take care of myself, admire my spirits, I spend money on myself, my upkeep and things and people that please me. However my husband tells me that I am bad at ( you see a teacher wouldn't use that b word, but he isn't one) being nice to myself- I let things get to me. 
So, stepping out of the previous paragraph where almost every sentence started with I, me, myself, I now want to move on to how things can get to me and have an immense effect on me. Being sad over things that shouldn't bother me is a quality that I possess, a personality streak that I want to fight so bad, it consumes that last molecule of energy out of my system. 
Today was one such day, I let it happen to me. Then I hit the gym after calling a friend who is my favorite sorrow pillow. I thought, reflected, got angry and even had a red nose exhibiting my emotions. I was done and was picked up my my husband (who like every single day in life stood by me in ups and down- ever since I met him). He stood there, even today, held my hand and assured me without words that his love for me was way above everything else. My daughter in the back seat of the car tried hiding the sushi and my favorite calorie bomb- Semla she bought to make it a special evening for me- she made a genuine effort. 
Less words than usual through the 10 minutes drive, we reached home and I opened the door to hear a 'Hey mamma' from my son. I took my shoes off and somehow suddenly it felt like I took my sadness off. I was now in an environment with love around me- with an acceptance for who I am. The person who is true to herself, who lets herself gets sad, get frustrated, get angry. Maybe that's what allows me to get happy, content and appreciative of all the good, most important people and situations in my life. 
As I am writing this, I am realizing how lucky, happy I feel in this moment. Thanks for those who love me, thanks to those who have problems with me- you make my life richer- helping me realize what to value most. 
Lesson learnt- Dare to feel.

Way too long

It's been way too long that I posted something. I missed it- the flow of thoughts on the blog. Many a times the situation and the lesson of life was so evident to be shared with everyone, but I got caught up. So here I am- reporting a mix of so many things that have happened lately.
Life is certainly a school and I am certainly a student.
So here is a more organized, in a nutshell life lessons:
1. A trip to Dublin with family, the four of us- beautiful place, kind people and a weather that is so diverse hour after hour, it makes you believe that things will get better. How important and acknowledging it was to realize that we didn't need our screens, that we actually had so much to talk about with each other, so much to share, so much to discuss- that we 4 actually, genuinely love each other, that we like each other's company.No, it is not obvious even if 2 of them literally came out of me and the 3rd one ...ehm ehm... I do not take love and respect for granted and I was so relieved that I was surrounded by it- from the 3 people in my life who mean the world to me. Make sure my friends to keep giving yourselves opportunities to get that feeling, create situations in life where you every once in a while can check if YOU need to do something for a betterment.

2. My son, soon 14 - came home 1 hour late from the promised time - 5 pm! Not the end of the world, but I got annoyed at the fact that he called up to 'tell' me than to 'ask'. Talk about being a tight ass! So from the moment he called to tell till he came- it was an hour. That hour made me so confused, I might have lost my physical balance. Am I being too strict, am I overanalyzing, am I forgetting where I come from, (the worry that I might have created during my teenage where we didn't have phones to call and report), what was most annoying in his late coming- should I ground him for a month or just next few hours???!! Like I have mentioned - not born a parent!
So, my boy arrived, came right in and gave me a hug after I opened the door and started walking without saying anything. His heart was beating really fast... I asked him i he was ok. He was ok- but he said he ran as fast as he could from the bus stop as he was worried that I'd be annoyed. He said he was sorry.
I think I need not say no more: It will be Indian take away today- his and mine absolute favorite. My husband and daughter have a different taste in food.
Lesson learned- Sometimes results come later than expected...

3. My work is going great! I love going to work and I feel like it is my second home. I have worked in this place for soon 8 years. We have a Friday Fika- look up the word Fika!
So this time it was my turn to bring in something to sweeten the Friday. I am proud to announce that after all these years, I baked a cheesecake to bring to work! This is my world is the ultimate acknowledgement that I love my work. I actually made an effort at work for something that had nothing to do with work- just to do with how I feel at work.
Thanks to my colleagues who like me, I like you too. Those who don't, I am happy that you exist and want to make me do my job better:)

4. Yoga- Yes, when an Indian (with a mom who explains the breathing technique on phone, sounding weird almost every time) actually starts paying to do the same, something must've happened. Me and my husband discovered Yoga and e were at or second private class yesterday. Fun, amazing and with a sore body today, we are still talking about how fun it was to do it together. Never too late to listen to your body and your soul- and your mom!

So, here you go- a few things. But there is so much more that I'd like to share. I realized that I like doing it, and I promise that I will.
Have a fantastic day!