Madam Bollywood and Homework

It's been a relaxed day. Watched some Indian talk show, drooled over the ugly rock that the Bollywood was wearing and I cannot agree more with the whole sour grapes theory... 
Later checked the Facebook! ( 'the' FB)
Read an article for the second time- written by a parent in Sweden who is mad about the whole thing with homework! I get it, there is this continuous, never ending thing about homework being good or bad... studies, resonating sessions, topic for teachers' meeting blah blah blah. 

http://www.aftonbladet.se/debatt/a/p22pw/skolan-ska-ha-ansvar-for-laxorna--inte-du

What managed to piss the s*'t out of me for the second time was the fact that a parent is fighting the fact that a parent is given the responsibility of a child's homework. Blame it on the span of socio economic differences in the Swedish society- yeah right! I come from India and hello! socio economic span is the same length as the diameter of the globe. Well ok, like they say- opinions are for free and we live in a democratic society and that everyone thus has a right to make an opinion. 
But that as a parent you think it is solely a teacher's responsibility to make sure that a child is educated as the parent might not have the same competence as the teacher- I just don't get it. 

So before all you who don't have kids loose interest in this post, back to madam Bollywood- She was actually far more intelligent than my judging her for the rock. On second thoughts, it takes an intelligent woman to convince her man to buy that size of the rock. 

This woman- Twinkle Khanna is a writer. She mentioned that  the primary reasons for a marriage is to have children, and therefore she did this elaborate genetic check on her boyfriend's family. 
And now back to Sweden, to the parent who despises homework. 
The reason of my hopping between Sweden's parent drama and madam Bollywood is the question WHY HAVE CHILDREN WHEN YOU CANNOT TAKE UP CHALLENGES? Seriously, homework with a child? Can it be that difficult that Mr Google cannot figure it out for a parent trying to spend time with the child and participate in their daily 'Job'? Personally I am all fine with and without homework- but do I think it is someone else's responsibility! NO.

Who told you that parenting is a walk in the park? Why do countries fight for rights of reconsidering pregnancies? Yes, to help people make a conscious decision if they are capable of taking up the beautiful yet not that easy responsibility of bringing up children. Don't parents do all they can to keep kids healthy? Do you have to be doctor for that? No! and one certainly does not have to be a psychologist to help a child through adolescence, a heart break, a failure. 
Reality is that we choose to have children- we need to man up to take up all that comes with it. We fail, unbelievable number of times, as there is no degree in parenting, no license- nothing. So be it- love your children and rest will work itself out. 
If you cannot find the answer to the homework on Google- ask the teacher, communicate- just like you go the doctor when your first aid did not help. 

Dear friends and family...

Dear family and friends... a combination often used to address to a post on social media, speeches made during special happenings and even while making a statement on a somewhat sadder note. It is kind of natural to say that. Made me wonder when I was posting a Christmas greeting with pictures of our family on Facebook- it is basically who we are surrounded with. But then I thought of all those who don't fit into these 2 categories. Hmm... which ones fit into that bracket? Let me see, neighbors who exist but don't, people who were friends once upon a time but not any longer, people I see but don't know personally, colleagues who annoy me but not just enough to be classified as enemies. 

And then who are friends? Now it is starting to sund like a 'quotation book' I maintained as a pre teen, full of emotions. The book had handwritten quotable quotes with deep definitions about friendship and love, trust and betrayal...
But never mind, I will do this little mind mapping for my own sake this time. It is after all Christmas holidays and I have time on me between organizing closets, not only mine- everyones! Don't get me going on my daughter's ability to unorganized things in a matter of an hour!

So, who are friends? After have lived for 40 years and having had a large or even huge group friends who attended all parties /celebrations,  to having to find that one friend who I could open up to- without having to filter my words and insecurities, I have come to realize that people who mean well are actually friends. That's all it takes. Mean well, have good intentions, don't have that sarcastic little ' I told you so' smirk when something went wrong. Staying in touch is not my criteria any longer. We all live quite a complicated life, maintain our schedules, check our calendars and do exactly the same things that we do all week long, at the same time. So finding time for pleasantries is not as easy as it sounds. 

Family on the other side, we are born into families, or married into one. Not much to sort out and choose there-right? Things go wrong within families, relationships go sour, even break. We dislike some, despise the others, adore some, wish we could operate brains on some etc etc... But they are related to us- like it or not. You may make announcement that the relationship is over- but you know it's not and it never will be. So why not just embrace the fact, let time take its toll and sleep over differences, wake up one day and realize that it is OK! It is after all family. 

Friends we choose, families we don't. That is the truth- at least for me. 

So dear family and friends- thanks for being there, and for the times you weren't there- maybe it was for the best. I want to wish you all a good year ahead, happiness and positivities. Talk shit about me, fine, that is purely your karma. I will do my share and I will either love you, or choose to put you on hold till I am ready. 
Cheers!

For my husand

Did it sound too tacky? I would've possibly reacted the same way. Yeah yeah, you love each other, you are still in love, you have something special...so what! Don't need to go loud about it, shouldn't it be private?
I understand all these thoughts that we all feel when we see those love photos, status on social media( FB is so dinosaur) I am one of those who gets sceptic about people posting their love statements.
But today, I will do it myself- LOUD and CLEAR.
I am in love with my husband. I love him to pieces. I am not going to boast about how many years we have spent together- been in situations where we were on top of our youth, not a single grey hair, six packs for him and an amazing metabolism for me- never gained a gram without having to do anything. We were romantic, every single minute, rushing home from work to be together. We were there announcing our love, engagement, wedding and pregnancies. We were there in hospitals sick, taking care of each other during sickness, we were disagreeing, having discussions- both pleasant and unpleasant, revealing things from past that we never would've thought we'd do, talking, listening, dancing, drinking, throwing up, waking, sleeping, holding hands, wiping tears and drools and snots when we lost our respective dads, we were there at parents' meetings, at family meetings, trying and testing the loyalties. I can go on and on, like many of you.
My love for you Martin is not unusual to the world, but it is unusual to me.
I have no words, but I have many. If I am doing this completely controversial public display of love, it is barely because the love I feel for you is uncontainable. I love you and I feel no embarrassment in saying this out loud.
I realize this regularly. I love you always but realize it now and then. And I really believe that I want to tell this to you, through this social media- because I can, because I will and because I am proud of having a man like you in my life.
I know a lot of you can relate to this, there is love in your lives too. Say it, all it and it will grow. Isn't that law of attraction?

Saying I LOVE YOU Martin is summarizing it. And today is just any day in our lives.

The Parenting School

So, is there a school for parents? Do I wish there was?
I remember with my son, who is now 13 years, I bought a couple of books, believe it or not- even Dr. Spoke's. I never read them though, maybe scanned through a chapter or two. My parenting career is now 13 years long. How am I doing it? I really don't know. But one thing for sure, we get a lot of remarks about how well brought up our children are. and we go like, ' really, Thanks, we don't know how that happened?' Some people are just generally bad at taking credit for things. 
I will sound a bit philosophical now and of course this is purely my opinion. 
How often don't we refer to our childhood, or parents- good or bad. How often don't we get the feeling that we are turning into our own parents,. Parents, who we disagreed with while they were parenting us. They implanted the values so deep that we did not realize that they were growing upon us. There were times I felt that I wished they had done things in another way. and I take that thought with me and try not to do the same with my kids. Our childhood shapes us so intensely.

It is no theory really. All I am saying is that there is no parenting school. Parenting is an experience. The more you do it, the better you get. Actually, you cannot guarantee even that. 
I tell my children that I wasn't born a parent. I wanted to be a parent and I am so happy that life gave me an opportunity to do so. I feel so rich, it is so exciting, so soul calming. I even don't have a problem when it isn't that rewarding. They are my children after all. I am always there for them-always. 
I take no shame telling my children that I too need to be taught how to be a parent. And that they can actually teach me at times. I tell them that we are not friends, we have a relationship based on love and respect but if  come out every now and then as an annoying, non understanding kind of person at times, that is ok for me too. I tell my son, who is the older kid that he will possibly experience my mistakes as a parent more- the first time thing. He is after all the guinea pig.
Parenting is a job, a hobby, a creative streak that we just do all the time. Don't confuse it with JUST bringing up your children. Parenting for me is a part of life- I love every moment of it. The frustration of some failures just want me to get better the very next moment. 
I am sorry kids if I am not a perfect parent all the time. But I am me and I don't think that any book could have taught me better- because you are unique. I love you both to pieces and that is what parenting means to me. 

Me and my laundry room

The buckets were filling up, the clothes and everything in them, like the odd shoe, the Egyptian belly dance belt, reflex from jackets and what not, were starting to become like stuff from a memory box that moms collect for their children to grow up and savour. I am talking about the laundry room in the house. I looked at these different storage baskets, buckets, boxes, all bought at different points of time   with a purpose of organizing. In my head, I scheduled a serious meeting with the laundry room and it just never happened. Me and he had kind of given up on each other. We knew we had each other, we knew that we will settle it one day. We knew we were not leaving each other for the mess. We knew that what he ( laundry room- just to be clear, in case you starting doubting my relationship with my husband) had stored it all as I wanted him to, and he was now waiting for me to take that initiative. 

So, I woke up after a strange night where my ghosts had caught up with me at oddest hours of the night. I woke up telling myself that from now on, I am not going to let people get to me. I know that if you have read my previous blogs, I might just be contradicting myself. It's easy said than done. 
I had a sickly frustrating week at work. I felt lost, I had one melt down that ended up in tears and I felt that the world was against me. Then I spoke this friend- for a good hour and a half. Our gurus are around us and she told me something that I registered. This morning I processed it. I decided what is it that could and would make me sad and upset. My work is definitely not that powerful. I will apply it from now on. 

So, went to my laundry room, with 2 black garbage bags. Thew a lot of shit, a lot of love, a lot of memories that I can always recreate, memories that didn't mean so much any longer. I hate to say it that I even disposed stuff I had fondly saved to pass on to friends with young children. I am an environmental criminal but I needed to take care of my relationship. I needed to take care of myself- I needed to sort it out. 
I am positive, the laundry room looks clean, the scented candle has been lit, the wine box has been empties, the other boxes can now be duly shut with lids sitting tight on them. It looks organized and it makes me happy. 

The mess will be created again I know. Memories will be collected, disappointments will take place. But right now- I am satisfied and I am promising myself to take care of myself, him and us. 

Have a fantastic day and chose your enemies. Who has the power to be your enemy? Really.

Love

Three little words- Say it now

As a teacher you sometimes surprise yourself. We are just any human beings, like other professionals we also get an education, a degree and then we are thrown into the world of children, students and are expected to teach them and in many cases even bring them up. I work with young kids and there is a lot of bringing up involved in my kind of work. Conflicts is an everyday situation. I remember telling this cheeky little fella something tat surprised me once- I realized how smart I was, how the Guru in me was not only my profession, but I had IT! I pictured myself sitting in front of an ocean of answer-seeking adults and guiding them through their troubles towards a life changing solution. So back to the cheeky fella who with his beautiful eyes and thick eyelashes convinces you by throwing in a sorry. I told him this- Once the words come out of your mouth, you cannot put them back in, you cannot regret enough the damage your words do. Your words can and will be quoted- in your favor or against you. So don't put yourself in that position where you have to say sorry for what you say. If you say something harshly true, because you genuinely meant it, stand for it. You are entitled to change your opinion but don't verbalize your opinions in a way that you would regret later. 

So this post is about words. Our words, that we formulate, that we compose, words that can make or break, words that can do magic, words that can make someone fall in love with you, words that will touch someone so deep that they will quote on their death bed. I sound so sadistic but I have been part of it. 
My father was a man of very few words- like very few. He was very good at expressing his dismay, love and respect, but words were not his thing. Just thinking of him makes me want to cry, I love him so much. He passed away ill. When they called me from the hospital once, he was feeling better and as awkward as those calls can get, it was nice to hear from him, he was speaking. 
Next day, he called me up and my heart skipped a beat. What made him call? He started with an awkward opening line and then abruptly threw in ' I love you beta'- beta meaning son/daughter. Now, this is India in 2008. I love you was not the most common way of father expressing love, actually quite unconventional. 
Till today, that is what I remember when I think of him. 
My daughter had a headache after an intense second day at school- runs in the family I guess. I gave her a head massage, made her a cup of tea, talked her out of it and she felt better. She came to me abruptly later on and told me' Mamma, thanks for what you did for me, it really did help, You are so kind to me'. Made my day, suddenly made me feel good about myself. 
Spoke to a colleague whom I call brother from another mother. Yes, as bitchy as I sound about work sometimes, I have some goodies around me too... we said nice things to each other. Felt so good again. 
Yes, the bad things I have heard and been told make their mark too, but I can really live on memories that some kind words and sweet expressions.
I love you is one such thing. Say it today, I am sure you all love someone, I am positive you all feel it for someone. Why wait? Say it daily! Say something nice to someone on an everyday basis.
Who knows which of your nice words would become someone's nutrition for the soul.
I am thankful for the nice words I have been told, for the love I have received- today.
Good night! and SAY IT

Brothers' day, relationships by choice

So, today was the first day back to reality. New students, new parents, new work team, full action and at around 15.45 I had the same feeling as one usually has after being on a roller coaster ride. Full of adrenaline, pumped with energy in one instance and totally drained out a moment after. I felt like screaming out loud in frustration, felt like telling people exactly what was on my mind, but the civil sense in me stopped me. I guess that is what professionalism means. However the professional me knew when to stop and leave to get home. After short talks with my lovely children and Martin and the tele sales guy who almost sold me washing powder for 500 washes- a whole 12 kg, I realized how I had told these people after a good talk of one minute, very abruptly, that I needed to go. The mobile free zone sign in my face and all the sudden reminders of things to do just made me that kind of nonchalant person.
The walk to the subway was not very pleasant either. For some reasons the shoes were hurting, not even new shoes, but it was just that kind of a day. It was raining and my umbrella that I remembered to bring with me to work was forgotten on the second floor and I had no energy to go get it- blamed myself for that one!
On the way in the train, I checked the whatsapp group chat. The group is called Siddharth's wedding bonanza- where we cousins chat about the wedding in November. It is all about jokes made about pressure of getting in shape, serious fashion advice, song choice for performing dances etc. It is Rakhi today. Rakhi is basically brothers' day. Yes, the gender police will arrest me and put me in for life time, but it is Brothers' day. Sisters tie a band on their brothers' wrist and wish for their prosperity and brothers make a promise to stand by their side.

I am no feminist, I do not accept girls and women treated inferior in any slight way, but I am not a feminist. I am fine being a woman and called the fairer sex, the 'Ladies first' kind of men are charming, I am bringing up my son to hold my bag, carry the food shopping, I am fine passing certain chores that I have no flair for- the gardening, the tyre changing etc. I love the festival- I would love my son to stand up for my daughter and for my daughter to reciprocate.
So I wished all my brothers on Rakhi on this group, headed home and performed the ceremony with kids. We headed further to my cousin's home and carried on the tradition with her absolutely gorgeous 7 month baby girl who had this little ceremony with my son.
I have heard and said that we can choose friends but not families. True, but don't we all have at least one experience in life where we did make the choice with the family too? Where we decided that we will break up a blood relationship or at least got to a point where we gradually minimized the bond?
So in this era, it is coming down to the choice. It is all about relationships and all relationships can be controlled and steered to a make or break point. The realization that I am a part of this group is by choice made me feel proud.
Today's happenings made me feel that I am strong. My professional day's disappointments were not important enough to break me. My whatsapp group of cousins however had the strength to turn my 'kind of' tough day into a really lovely one. One where I had the most ridiculous smile for hours, watching this angel of a baby eat her mashed meat sauce, make funny faces, cry, and finally sleep. Thank you Celina, my Sallo! Thank you Naima and Leopold and I hope that you will be the best siblings one ever can be.
I am now hitting the bed with no remorse, just a satisfied smile.
Happy Rakhi everyone:) Tomorrow is another day.