Easy said than done.
I may sit and give those lessons of life, the newly learned ones, but it is easy said than done.
Sitting in the summer cottage gives me a lot of time to think and rethink and then rethink the rethinking. My brain is like this food blender. I love making soups, think they are healthy and if you blend everything in a blender, you don't get to see the lumps of onions, the stubs of cauliflower and the colors of the veggies that you otherwise despise. the result is a healthy, smooth and tasty and not to forget, the nutritious soup.
What if I don't blend it though, yes it might be hard to eat it, to enjoy the taste of all those healthy ingredients that are now too obviously there.
M tells me I have this little Black Book. The book that keeps an account on what gifts my children received on their first Christmas, and not only that, what gifts they gave away to those people, an account of the taunting and subtle remarks made by this friend about the new job, was she actually happy or was she jealous? The account of who offered to drop us back home that evening, who didn't compliment the new interiors, the little misunderstandings that happened and who took the first step into making up. The book goes far back into history, I just have that kind of memory. There have been times where things mattered a lot and I lost sleep. There have been times where even though I said it was all ok and let's move on, I forgot to erase it off the book.
So this one time, I had referred to the Black Book just before visiting this person. Oh man, this person did not have a good record in the Black Book. Boy was he in trouble! The journey to the place was an hour and a half long. Throughout the journey, I kept slowly munching M's brain, piece by piece, molecule by molecule. I would think, pause, comment, feel sorry for myself, feel grand about myself for still visiting him and ended each such sequence with a -"Well, I'd like to move on and forget things".
M should get a Bravery award since there is no such award for immense patience. I am quite a pain- I know it.
Journey was horrible! The air inside me just kept getting more and more polluted. ( not the farty way)
I could feel how tears were building up. I knew how wrong I was and how F##ked up it all sounded, but I COULD JUST NOT STOP THINKING! Like a beehive in me.
We arrived. The person came out to receive us with the most genuine smile. I would have loved to overanalyze it but it was so genuine, I just could not. I gave in my best behavior and things were smooth. Just like the soup.
I don't know if women do think more than men. But today I am making a lentils soup. It looks quite disgusting right now in its crude form but I am waiting for it to cool down so I can blend it. I am more that confident that it is going to taste really well. I would like to make life smoother, blend it all and make it smooth.
I will certainly try to bring this with me and carry it to my busy life in Stockholm. I will try to erase some chapters from My Black Book. I am not going to stop having it since I am a human being, a woman who likes to keep accounts, but I will definitely do myself a favor and lighten it a bit.
M if you are reading this, big thanks for holding up. You are my absolute best friend, my lover, my guide and I just want to thank you for being my life partner. And if you are not reading this, you will make an entry in my Black Book!
Mood- Happy, philosophical
Lesson to myself- Mix it and fix it!